A secretary's prayer

Dear Lord,

help me to do my work well, to have the memory of an elephant, and by some miracle to be able to do five things at once, answer four telephones while typing a letter that 'must go out today' when the letter doesn't get signed until tomorrow. Please give me the self-discipline to keep my mouth shut.

And Lord, never let me lose patience, even when the boss has me searching the files for hours for data that is later discovered on his desk.

Help me to have the informational background of a college professor although I didn't get quite that far.

Help me to understand and carry out all instructions to perfection without any explanation.

Let me always know exactly where my boss is, what he is doing, and when he will be back, even though he never tells me these things when he leaves.

And Lord, when the year ends, please give me the foresight not to throw out records that will be asked for in a few days, even though I was told emphatically, "Destroy these. They clutter up the place."

Amen.

A secretary's complaint R(A)

A secretary complained about her boss....

She says "My boss is so sex-crazed. Every time he comes into the office,I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decide to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.

Once I tried to Esc(escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing @BACKSPACE, and saying "TURNOVER today" ..many a times he works without CAPS LOCK (without "cap" or helmet) and some times as an ALTernative he CRASHES @my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN.. this process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his main SYSTEM......

Ugh...Sugar and nice

All these sugar and nice postings is making me sick....

Now for the naughty ones.....

The Story of Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know.  I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.  I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

Why are you in college at such a young and innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel".

"No, seriously," I asked.  I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.  We became instant friends.  Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop.  I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of our 4 years, Rose became a campus icon and easily made friends wherever she went.  She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students.  She was living it up in every respect.  At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. Usually we had a famous player or known professional as our "feature", but as more or less of a joke, we decided to invite Rose in to speak to us that evening...

She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.  As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her 3 X 5 cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed, she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery.  I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech in order, so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing!

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.  You have to laugh and find humor every day.  You've got to have a dream.  When you lose your dreams, you die.  We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't know it.

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.  If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.  If I am ninety years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn ninety-one. Anybody can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.

Have no regrets.  The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do.  The only people who fear death are those with regrets!"

She concluded her speech by courageously singing, "The Rose".

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation, Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

Hope your life has a little Rose in it also...

Memo from GOD

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;  Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!